i've never had a good relationship with my parents. they have always been strict but there were times where they were just being irrational. multiple times they have said to my face, "i don't love you", or "i wish you weren't my son". my junior year was when things started to go south. my senior year of high school was one of the lowest points of my life. that year, my best friend's boyfriend died back in 2017 due to heart complications. he was 18. her boyfriend was a good friend of mine (we played basketball together) and seeing her hurt so much really got to me.
i won't get into details, but the same week he died i got into an argument with my dad over something petty, and when my dad found out her boyfriend died, he said some pretty mean stuff about her boyfriend which weren't even true, which ticked me off. things elevated, and the following monday CPS was at my school (for reasons unmentioned). i was terrified of going home that day. i came home to my dad screaming at me and smashing things, and everything was just a huge mess.
i happened to have an appointment after school that day so i caught a lucky break. my dad took my phone so i couldn't talk to anyone. after the appointment my dad had to go get my little brother, so he dropped me off at home and left. this was my chance. i grabbed a hoodie, water bottles, and my penny board and dipped. i told my older brother that i was going to my youth pastor's house so if he wanted to find me i'd be there. it was only roughly 5 minutes before i heard police sirens in my neighborhood. (the hoodie was to switch clothing because i was sure he would call the police and describe what i was wearing) i skated through some of the worst neighborhoods to get to my youth pastor's house, keep in mind in the middle of the night, with nobody knowing where i was and no way to contact me. as i couldn't skate on the highway, there were times where i was on main roads and really just wanted to jump off of my board and jump in front of an incoming car. after four hours of riding my board i finally arrived around midnight. it was only after i had gotten to my pastor's house when i found out there were police officers from 3 different towns looking for me, as well as members from my church.
the next day my whole class was going to my best friend's house to help console her, by just hanging out with her and singing worship songs. (yeah, i'm a christian) my friends had come to my house to pick me up, oblivious to anything that had happened so i just had to fake a smile. when we got to her house, however, i just sat there. i couldn't bring myself to sing or even look anyone in the eye. people asked me what was up but i would just tell them i wasn't feeling well. only one of my friends was aware of the hell i had been through in the past 24 hours, but he didn't mention anything. i really owe it to him for being there for me in one of my darkest times as well as the rest of my senior year. if it wasn't for him i probably would have committed suicide months ago.
for most people their senior year of high school is a year where they try to enjoy what time they have left at high school and get ready for college. for me, i was looking for reasons on a daily basis as to why i shouldn't just kill myself. this is how things were until i graduated. my dad even said to my face that he wasn't coming to graduation the day before. (of course, he went to save face)
i've never been medically diagnosed with severe depression but this is as real as it gets. at times i wanted to take my mom's credit card, purchase a handgun and just shoot myself in the face in front of my family. i'm thankful for the people around me that God has put in my life that have been an encouragement/have lifted me up.
i am definitely in a better place now in my life, and continue for things to appreciate in life, something that is so finite and precious. i'm no therapist but if you ever need someone to talk to, add me on steam. my DMs are always open, and i'm all ears.
i know from what you've seen on the servers i come off as a goofball messing around on JB or owning indi on pub with the scout, but i am not new to struggling with trials alone nor will i turn a blind eye from someone who is hurting. there are people out there who care about you. it isn't easy to go to people and reach out, but it lightens the burden. i'm glad there are people on GP who have a sense of transparency and are willing to share and talk.