Hi my names Brenden and I am an alcoholic, narcotic abusing, suicidal depressed nihilistic mess of a human being and I'm not even 18 yet.
I grew up in deep ghettos, I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with my mom because my dad was in a gang and died 2 months before I was born. My mom's an amazing human being who's been through so much in her life and she makes up for not raising me with wealth every single day. I smoked my first bowl when I was 10, I took my first shot when I was 11 and I've done every drug out there besides meth and heroin. I've done coke, PCP, drank, ecstasy, acid, oxy, xanax. I could list everything I've done but that would take too long and seem like i'm bragging. I shot someone in 9th grade to join a gang because I had nothing else in life, it was a drive by and I was forced to do it. He survived but I have PSTD from pulling the trigger and seeing this guy I've never even talked to fall over and his friend screaming. I was only 14 when that happened. I went to court for it but it was deemed justifiable second degree forced murder and I only spent half a year in an isolated state prison. I was forced at gunpoint to shoot a man.
I've had 7 therapists, i'm incapable of opening up to people unless it's through something like this, an anonymous window. thats when i started taking pills, smoking and drinking everyday all day. I do this shit to cope with the fact i almost murdered someone and even though my record has been wiped and it wont stop me from college or anything in the future (because it was deemed justifiable forced, 2 years probation and it was wiped) it still sticks with me everyday. there's not much else to say other than i've tried so many times to get clean but i just cant longer than a few days.
every therapist i've had has said because of all the trauma i've been through i'm incapable of crying. my brain reworked itself and because of my personal abuse and everything it just turns into anger, i just have emotional breakdowns and the feelings of sadness just turn to anger. it hurts, everytime i feel like crying i just start getting headaches and i just want to breakdown but all it turns into is self hatred and anger.
i realize reading this over it went from nicely written and proper to a mess of run on sentences and im sorry for anyone who bothers to read this
Don't message me saying we can talk or give me pity because im a lost cause and i accept that, i dont need pity, i only posted this so i dont relapse because im 13 days sober and i need to keep my mind busy or i'll try to od again.